this is my longest entry yet be prepared to read. word of advice read till the end and up til the end >_<.

What makes anything anything?
Fact: people do so much amazing things and it surprises me that they do as much stupid things as well which also surprises me.

Fact: Perfection is stupid. if we attain perfection it would render us completely useless.

just wanted to brighten up some facts. lol here we go!

whats up with women?
I mean honestly as guy/girl have you ever asked yourself that? sex isnt the issue here. I know some women who think they know better because theyre of the same sex. not true. its like wearing a different pair of shoes it just doesnt feel right. What I mean to say is women are diffwerent some are like this, some are like that and some tend to be more creative with their time than others. Ive asked other women about this. different woman. different person. different taste.

lets focus on a subject lets say love.
And a couple of examples. Subject A, B and C
what would happen if i told these 3 women my feelings ( lets do it the traditional way of courting trust me its so cheesy almost everyone has done it) after i tell my feelings i get a different response but the same feeling.

A for example takes i upon herself not to make me feel bad about it so she comes up with a speel. Maybe some are you are famillar with these words."I cant love you. youre my friend. youre like a brother to me and I cant go out with my brother" ok what is wrong with this? thats right its about friendship! She dont want none on the accounta friendship...NEWSFLASH! is it even possible to not befriend a girl and then be friendlier? like thats what the rule " friends first" applies?!?! its like a damn law! ok maybe its a friendly way of saying I like you but i dont like you like you...wtf...moving on

B. her response is what we'd call direct. to the point. and for unfortunate guys such as myself a really bad kick in the nuts. the way I approached this one is quite simple since being too friendly didnt do well i tried a more rivalry approach. damn. ok about 70% of guys who get in girls nerves likes the girl the other % are just assholes (were assholes. we know it. deal with it) guys do this to get you to notice them. you know get in your skin. or theyre just some really bad assholes who should get a life. now the difference is a guy who likes you would annoy you but never hurt you. apparently B doesnt know this and she let me down in a pretty harsh way...(awww pity party) yeap bleedin heart right here....mercy...

Playing it safe since the saga began. There is no effen way I'd tell my feelings on C. sure i like her and im sure she feels the same way but, i dont want to tell her how i feel. i like what i have, sure it can be better but i dont wanna risk it. Am I being cruel? keeping it in for my sake. let me be honest, i suffered during those times. those time would be time i really wanted to die. I was mortified being nice about it isnt any different from eing mean and bitchy about it. Knowing that much hurt, that much pain and that much suffering from such heavy hearted words. Iam a coward. Iam weak. I cant even convey my feelings. 3 small words. is it so hard? or will i witness yet another walkout? dont believe "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" heartbreak is kinda like gettin shot in the foot. it hurts. and you never, ever,EVER want it to happen again.

"Time heals all wounds" F that s**t. call me skeptikal but i have like waited for almost 7 years. I mean look at me I'm friggin listening to "kanlungan" by Noel Cabangon you know "panapanahon...." and I swear I cant even say 3 small words. It tears me up inside knowing how gutless I'am. When will I stop imagining what could have been. What would have been. What should have been. Knowing what i lost. with all do respect to the ladies you guys are great really im not blaming you for instilling fear into me. Its my head playin tricks on me. I dont know C's reaction...perhaps i never will. perhaps she'll be like tha others. theyre smart. they gave up on me before i had a chance to do some real damage. And yet theyre altogether. In my mind. Scratching. Teething. Loathing. each on of em stabbing my heart. I've been so used to it it's like a band playing in me only they stab me to the tune of my heartbeat. "i gave you everything", "why not me", "you're heartless".... I think im going crazy...so many voices in my head. some even my own. I myself hating what has happend so far. I hate myself for trying. I hate myself for letting go. But mostly I hate myself because i hurt them. I hurt all of them....

I never wanted to hurt them. All i wanted was to cover the big gaping hole left by past experiences. But as i try to patch it, it only gets bigger everytime.

To whoever is reading this trust me dont ever waste a chance to tell a person how you feel. it wont go away i promise you that. if you truly feel that that person is the one. its bound to be true. dont waste your chance....oh and really "kanlungan" really is a good song to listen to while reading this...enjoy...